Hello friends,
Well, it’s settled. I’m seeing my doctor on Tuesday, and I’m going on insulin. I believe that she was trying to gently nudge me that way, but I wanted to try a different set of pills, and it’s just not working. I’m scared. I admit it. Just the feeling of the unknown. I did Byetta, which made me very sick, but insulin is a natural replacement for what the body lacks.
Well, it’s settled. I’m seeing my doctor on Tuesday, and I’m going on insulin. I believe that she was trying to gently nudge me that way, but I wanted to try a different set of pills, and it’s just not working. I’m scared. I admit it. Just the feeling of the unknown. I did Byetta, which made me very sick, but insulin is a natural replacement for what the body lacks.
I’ve watched my glucose levels creep up, even when I skipped a meal. I’m thinking that my pancreas is shutting down, or not putting out enough insulin. My head knows that I haven’t failed, but my heart feels as though I have. Perhaps this is one of those moments when humility is a great teacher.
I’ve cried for a half-hour, a long time for me. I don’t cry in defeat. I have a great love for God, as many of you know. I worship Him in my heart and mind. I have worshipped Him in my body, also. For four years I controlled my diabetes, with diet and exercise, in what I call “My Worship Walk.” But now, it’s time for a new kind of worship. A worship of acceptance. A worship of surrender. This time, I give God all my pride in my accomplishments. I give Him my tears. I give God my life, to do with as He wills, and I know His touch will be gentle, as always.
So, if you too are on insulin, or you will be going on insulin, or you know and love someone who is or must go on insulin, believe that this is not a failure, of either spirit or will. Our failure would be to live in denial and hasten our own deaths.
The fight, as I have said before, is not with ourselves, but with our disease. Diabetes is the enemy. But we have been taught to love our enemies, so I will. For me, this is a new journey.
My youngest daughter says: “Getting on insulin is not coming to the bitter end of a fight. It is a continuation of the battle with a different arsenal. You are still fighting the disease. That hasn’t changed. The only bitter end is when you give up, and stop trying to battle the disease.”
Then she said something extraordinary: “Again, insulin is not a failure. It is ‘shaking of the fist’ and saying that it hasn’t beaten you yet. Thumbing the nose, as it were. I will thumb with you. I am thumbing the nose at it and supporting you in the battle.” Trust me, I could not have said it better myself.
So, with the support of my family, and the gentle touch of God, I thumb my nose at my disease. I will fight, and I hope my battle will be an encouragement to you. Remember, God is good. He is not the bringer of disease. He is the Healer. He heals my soul, and I feel His presence right now.
Heavenly Father, thank you for loving me. Thank you for my loving family. Thank you for the wisdom of my child, now a wise and wonderful woman. Thank you for both my daughters, whose sweet spirits are willing to do all it takes to help their mother be successful in this battle. And for my husband, Lord, what good thing did I do that You should bring Him into my life? I know, Lord, it is not my goodness, but yours. I accept this challenge, Lord, I hope with true humility, and I give you the praise and glory forever.
